Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
