So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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