when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
