Betty ford says i'm here all night
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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