I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am naked and annoyed.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
