I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
