Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
