Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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