he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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