So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
