your parents love me but you hate me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
