My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
it's like heaven, but drunker
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
