quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
