Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
