Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize