i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
