I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
