I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
