So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
