she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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