I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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