So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
