I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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