I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
