I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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