Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
