I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
