the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How does one acquire holy water?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
