maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
