I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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