The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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