I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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