I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
