life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
