sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
