Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
