I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
