apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
