Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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