I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
