Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
