Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
