make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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