They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
