It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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