so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
