not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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