You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
