It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
