I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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