I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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