I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
