New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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