So drunk its hurt
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
